What. The. F**k. How did I end up in this situation? I look behind and see blackness. There’s no turning back now. I look in front and gaze into a world of haze. I can stand here and wonder or I can slowly move beyond the haze. I feel like a blind turtle trying to make his way to where ever the hell that turtles like to go. A sewer? Back to the sea? Go bang another turtle? Wherever the hell it’s going, it’s going really freaking slow. But at least it’s moving. Slowly. Slow and steady wins the race they say. Whomever “They” is is full of shit. It doesn’t win races. This turtle is not going to win any marathons. It’s probably going to be late for everything in it’s life. It probably wishes it could go faster. It’s probably kicking rocks along the way, crying, hurting, thinking, and that’s OK. Be disgusted turtle. Let it out as you make your way to only god knows where. Have a drink of your favorite booze that you hide in your secret pocket that you tell no one about. Dream about what could have been or the darkness ahead. The unknown. Do all this and more! Do it, but do it while moving. Keep going till you are satisfied in where you are at.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. You could blame sleep apnea. I’m what the doctors would diagnose as “Clinically Really Fucking Fat.” But, I’m working on it. Slowly, but there is progress. Maybe it is the stresses of everyday life (Read: Not working full time). But that doesn’t seem it either. Don’t worry, I’m about to make my point.

Lately, I have been dreaming of the past. How things were. The feelings, sensations, even smells of the years past. My nights have been filled of vivid images and moments that aren’t there anymore. Gone, but never forgotten. Like the dinosaurs. But, I don’t miss the dinosaurs. Fuck those guys. It would have been cool to ride them, or maybe even eat a brontosaurus burger, but I am glad they are gone. Dinosaurs would only stomp on my car and eat my food if they were around now days. I’d probably be a lot skinnier trying to avoid their giant steps or their appetite for meat. I don’t dream of dinosaurs. I dream of a past that could have been my present and perhaps, even a future. Now that it’s gone, there’s a sense of emptiness and loss. I look at past collaborations that still linger across this digital web of life and see an empty shell of something great. Not good, great. I look through the pieces left behind after the storm and every piece moves me. Every piece a feeling. Every piece an emotion. Every piece, a moment in time, captured forever, for all eternity. I’ve always had trouble with letting go. It’s never easy. But, it’s essential. The past is the boarding area and the plane to the future is starting to load. I need to get on that jet plane, knowing that I’ll never go back again. I’m headed to a better tomorrow, but it doesn’t mean I can easily forget the past. It’s never easy, but it’s essential.

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

Wow. Took a while to write something. Shame on me. Elephant in the room? You damn right. Been sick and tired lately. Been the busiest unemployed guy I know. I got a cold which I think is from the vog. I hate you vog. I wish you were a smoke monster like on hit television show “Lost.” I would get a giant vacuum and scoop your ass up. Then, I would mold the bag into a shape of a man and then punch it in the nuts. I could go on, but you get the point. I hate vog.

Still on the job hunt while doing some side projects. I am very much getting what I asked for. Things are happening, but they happen in waves. Sometimes they crash and sometimes the waves flow smoothly. I’m just grateful to be standing up and catching waves again.

There is only so much I can talk about 2011. I’ve put that away. It’s time to deal with 2012. I have goals set. I need to push to get them accomplished. Very exciting this year. Livin’la vida without the loca.

PS: My new wallet is so the ISH! It’s pink and I am PULLING. IT. OFF.